learning to trust my own opinions and expertise
I knew I shouldn’t have entered the Open this year.
And no, not because I’m pissed off with the Bait and Switch tactics of Scaled 15.1 and 15.2 (keep my $20, you motherfuckers).
It’s because before the Open, I was at peace with my place in the CrossFit world, but now an ugly spirit of rivalry has taken hold in my head. It started off fun – let’s see if I can catch X, stay ahead of Y – but as it became clear that I am not going to match the output of those around me, this imagined competition has transitioned into a much more malignant force than I could ever have wanted.
Before the Open, I was happy to finally be working on push-ups on my toes, but now I only see all my friends who can do more, better.
Before the Open, I was content to work on my mobility and form, but now I am pissed off when others move more weight with seeming ease.
Before the Open, I told myself that whilst I’m not fast, I’m here and I’m moving. Now I’m just not fast enough.
Now, I look at my friends’ scores with resentment and my own with scorn.
I’m still smiling, joking, happy Kat. But there’s a sharp edge to my laughter, scratching words of disappointment into my skin. There is a new glint of envy in my eye, reflecting the but…but… excuses swirling around my brain.
Next year I am NOT entering the Open.